I have been fat all my life it seems. I can remember distinctly when it happened. It happened the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade. I went from a slender, tan child to a pasty, doughy fat kid. Some major factors that contributed to the decline is that I can distinctly remember drinking soda non-stop that summer, a pattern which I would continue for years to come. I also found a hearty appetite that had been lurking beneath somewhere. I still managed to play soccer in the summer until about the 4th grade when I was finally too fat and lazy to play, so I quit and the decline worsened.
I continued in a pattern of non-stop soda drinking, sometimes eating an entire bag of chips in one sitting and drinking endless sodas. I knew in my mind what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t care. In my house there were no consequences when it came to food. Food was accessible in a never ending supply in many combinations. I learned how to cook very young and once I learned how to make the things that I liked to eat, they were rotated heavily. Mashed potatoes, gravy, meatloaf, fried chicken, turkey, macaroni and cheese etc. It wasn’t all gluttony though. As a child I taught myself to make a decent pasta sauce and Cesar salad dressing from scratch.
I was always neither satisfied, nor dissatisfied with my body. I knew it wasn’t exactly what I’d want, that I could do better. I also couldn’t conceive of a way to make it better. I tried to embrace what I had and not worry about what other people thought. I never noticed people staring much, but I’m sure they did. I am a modest dresser anyways so I never understood why anyone would want to stare at my body. I was covered, what was the problem? It wasn’t until recently that I’ve begun noticing. The staring.
Not only the staring but many other factors led me to pursue laparoscopic lapband surgery. I made the decision last year that I wanted more information. I went to a seminar at Cincinnati Weight Loss Center and met their entire team. Next step was to begin the 3 month process of meeting with my doctor to qualify for surgery. I more than qualified in the BMI department. My insurance (and most others) dictates that in order to be considered for bariatric surgery you must be at least 35 on the BMI scale. I am 53. That means that my body is more fat than it is not. When I first realized this it was kind of a shock but not. It was a shock to me because I was mostly horrified at my own laziness, carelessness and excuses. It was also a shock because I am 5’3” and I do not think I look like I weigh 306 pounds. But I do, and I have for a while.
Since January when I decided to pursue lapband surgery the first hurdle that I had to over come was soda. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it was to me. On an average day I drank more full calorie soda than you do water in a day. I began drinking diet soda at home and iced tea with Splenda in restaurants. Then I began drinking diet soda at home and then iced tea with no sweetener at restaurants. Now, I drink water at home and iced tea with no sweetener in restaurants. I never would have thought that this was possible just 2 years ago. Soda has been such a constant in my life that I never really thought about not drinking it. I definitely feel better now, except for the caffeine twitch that I have in my eye. Going from drinking 4+ sodas a day for 29 years to none will take a while for your body to adjust to, but it has. Now if I have a drink of a full calorie soda I can barely drink it because it’s so sweet. I also have an aversion because when I see full calorie soda I see something that will kill me. That puts it into perspective.
I was approved for surgery in May and I planned the surgery for July 1st. At the end of May I then took a vacation to Chicago where I ate delicious food every day. I had 2 Sprinkles cupcakes every day and apologized to no one. I realized each and every day of that vacation that this would be the last time that I could eat with total abandon of reason and repercussion. I tried to embrace this and make the most out of it. It perhaps wasn’t the wisest thing I’ve ever done, but it really helped usher me into a new mindset. Topolobampo, Sprinkles, Al’s #1 Italian Beef, Aquitaine, Hot Doug’s, Le Colonial, Superdawg, AI Sushi, Quartino and Rebar helped me let go of food in terms of quantity but not quality.
So now I sit here, after day 4 of my pre-surgical diet is over (6 more to go) writing this to me, to you, to no one. The pre-surgical diet for those considering the surgery is pretty stringent. You are limited to 800 calories a day, as little fat as possible and as much protein. I have purchased a protein powder supplement which isn’t really bad, it kind of tastes like instant breakfast. Using a blender really helps to blend it. What can you eat on 800 calories? On this diet you can have 3 protein shakes, with or without fat free milk, some soup broth and a LOT of sugar free gelatin. Or if you aren’t on the diet you can have 1 Big Mac with cheese. The goal of this diet is to make your liver shrink up and not be so flabby and fatty which makes for a smoother surgery because basically your body is eating it’s fat stores which results in some weight loss. I’ve already lost 4 pounds since beginning. It’s also a cleanse of sorts due to the mainly liquid diet. Another big aspect of this diet is that it’s a proving ground. If you can’t manage to do this diet for 2 weeks then you may not be able to commit to this lifestyle. I am trying my hardest to be positive during this process. I have lots of good support from friends who let me smell popcorn and who offer to not eat in front of me. My husband is on a sympathy diet of sorts this week as well. He’s trying not to eat anything extra delicious this week out of respect.
After surgery there are things that I will miss for sure. I am still not 100% ready to give up on bread. I’m allowed to have it, I just can’t make a meal out of it like I used to in the past. I’ll miss wine pairings with my food (you can’t drink liquid while you eat when you have a lapband); I’ll miss big giant chef tasting menus that consist of 4 or 5 courses. I will not miss the sensation of nausea because I tried to eat all the food on my plate. I will not miss people staring at me regardless of what I wear or eat. I will not miss being invisible when shopping and not being able to shop at certain stores. I will not miss hearing snide comments about my weight. I will not miss soda. I will not miss being fat.
“What will happen to the blog?” you might ask. Well, frankly not much will change. I will still eat out. I will still write food reviews. I will also incorporate how “lapband friendly” in their service and menu choices. I have not given up on food, and I won’t dislike food any less. I just can’t eat a truckload of it at one time. I am still interested in new restaurants when they open and trying restaurants that I’ve never been to. I still love to travel and eat. That is in my DNA. I will be bringing you more recipes as I discover them. Whether it’s a healthier way to make tacos, my family’s best gelatin dessert, or if it’s just how to make a delicious gravy or sauce it will be here. After all, for a recipe to be good, I don’t have to eat it, I just have to make it.
So there it is, if you would have told me a few years ago that I would be drinking water and scheduled for lapband surgery and happy about it, I would have said you were crazy. But beginning this new phase of my life is both exciting and scary. I know I have people to support me and who will love me no matter what I look like because they’ve always been there.
